Sunday, August 08, 2004

A Vanilla Out Shirtaholic

Friday was my cool double feature day. On my plate was Collateral and Napoleon Dynamite. No Dez this weekend she is off at a wedding it was just me. Me and me all alone which would be sad but I am far from boring even when alone.

My favorite movie theater would be the one that is called AMC 30. I love how incredibly ghetto it is. My favorite of all theaters it is so comfortable and cool and people are just normal. Then there are other theaters that I tend to go to only because it is the last resort. It would happen today because that is the way things go. I was to go with my aunt but she didn’t want to go today so that was a bust. I had a time to go at AMC 30 but it was too late for that one. Therefore the next best time was at AMC 20. Well the other reason was because AMC 30 has ticket guards and I’m not up to giving my money to anything other than Collateral. So AMC 20 was my choice.

AMC 20 is located in the rich part of town and it is where preppy was born. It happened to also be Friday and people like Friday so much that they drop their kids off at the mall and leave them there. Which makes it some kind of big baby sitting area and I do not like that one bit. So I have to suck it up and go there because I really want to see movies. I am running late. I have to speed all the way there which sucks in itself because of the construction that is occurring around my home area. Crap heads.

I am almost to the mall in where I am to see the movie and I end up having a moron want to get in front of me before the lanes merge. Okay fine but he decides to go slow. Butt monkey. I hate when people do that. I wish my car had some sort of cannon that would disable stupid cars like that. Anyway no matter I get to zoom past his slow butt later and head for Wal-Mart because I need money and some yummy snacks.

I get into Wal-Mart and get 3 packs of the yummy beef jerky and some tea. I use self checkout like a pro and I am off to the movies. I love it because I get there five minutes before the movie is to start and I speed walk my self into that mall. I see all the weird white posers that frequent that mall and think they would get their butt kicks if they were in my favorite side of town. No line so I get my ticket quickly and get into the theater and there was one preview before the movie started. I am good.

Collateral is about a taxi driver who ends up getting a ride that is a ride that changes his life forever. He is made to do things he would never do. It sort of an interesting event that causes some sort of confidence that he never knew he had. Vincent is the fare from hell for he has taxi driver man drive him to each kill. He would try to break him down by talking to him but Vincent is a smart one he is always 5 steps ahead. I liked the movie. It was a thinking thriller. It had some very interesting concepts that it put out there as to why things are done by people and that is a very fascinating thing to me.

Tom Cruise was a very good bad guy. I really didn’t like him towards the end. I did like the end because it tied in what was already discussed in the middle of the movie. There is a part where it shows the inability of communication between Cops and FBI I think that is freaky. Plan people because that is the way things should be handled. Winging it when someone’s life is on the line isn’t the smartest thing to do.

I give this movie a A-. I liked it that much. Weird. Well I don’t like it enough to shell out the money to buy it nor do I think I will see it again. But Tommy boy did a good job I give him so thumbs up. How about a good 7 because that is good and because Ebert doesn’t even have 7 thumbs no matter how many separate people could combine his weight.

That was the end of that movie and when the end comes that means I get up out of my seat and I go to the restroom and I wash my hands. Interesting place the restroom, they have these things called sinks. Now I don’t know if they have them in every restroom and bathroom in the world but they are cool things. Why are they cool? Well let me share that very prudent information: they have the ability to sanitize your hands when soap is used. Which happens to be the very happy companion of the sink and they both love to be used. Weird I know but true they like to be used because that is why they are there. A few guys are at this sink and some leave and I use it and what do you know there isn’t a drop of soap in that soap giver outer. Hummm what does that mean? That means they didn’t wash their hands. They go off and touch their girlfriends and their children and the handle and all they spread their penis germs all over. Which is why I try not to touch the handle I rather not have a handle on their penis when doing so. Because that is what you are touching when you touch something they touch and they didn’t wash their hands. Nasty. I wash.

I then take my body and sit down in the theater that is small for Napoleon Dynamite. It was about 20 minutes before it was to start. There were five kids in there. I was content with that amount. I sit down where I could put my feet up on this bar. I would hit the bar with my foot making it vibrate. It was good fun for 3 seconds. Then more children wonder it. It isn’t until there were lots of children that I realized it is PG movie. Sucks. I should never see a PG movie again. Children are fine but these jabber boxes wouldn’t talk in their 12 inch voices to each other. No they think that because they have blond hair and blue eyes it is best to yell so that others can see how big their mouth is. The stupid whores that sat behind me had to kick my chair. Which is only fine because they were getting up and sitting down otherwise I would have shot them in the breast had I not forgot my breast gun in the car. Darn it. Then there were to stupid whores that sat beside me and jabbered through the entire previews and wouldn’t shut up. They talked like they’ve never talked to each other ever. Why do people go to the movies and have conversations during the preview and the movie I have no idea? Losers. I was going to say something but it is only the preview so I allow it for now. They did end up shutting their useless mouths up so I could enjoy the movie.

Napoleon Dynamite was very funny. I liked how they did the credits at the beginning, very creative. The way that guy did his lines was funny. He would exaggerate some of the lines and that made what he said ten times more funny. The lethargic way some of the actors acted was pure comic genius for this movie. Napoleon’s talking on the phone is funny because he had to be out of the room so no one could hear him talk on the phone. Nothing has made me laugh like the way he dances. This movie was clean humor and it was funny. I like that they didn’t have to go raunchy on me.

During the movie, because I was sitting with posers of the universe club, a guy thought it would be funny to squeak his shoe against the floor. Wow the coolness in that. So lame. He got yelled at and he stopped. If he was really cool he would have continued to do it. What else was lame was the fact that during the movie there is a part where they play the theme of the A Team and I was thinking, “These morons in this theater haven’t a clue what that is.” I was one of four that would recognize that music. I hate that theater. Want another reason as to why I hate that theater? Okay, stupid blond bimbos behind me stood up and bimbo number 1 said, “That is a reason why you shouldn’t be a dork.” I wanted so bad to say, “And that is a reason why you are a whore.” But being I was surrounded by cookie cutters I decided that wouldn’t be one of the great situations to say something. I would save face and move on with life thinking she is a whore and all whores do are open up when they should close shop. Whore. Napoleon Dynamite gets an A+ from me and I will buy this movie in remembrance of the stupid morons I watched the movie with.

So I leave the theater and walk to my car. I walk there and I hear this R&B music booming and I watch the car park and out pops a white boy with his gangster gear on and I just thought, “I hate this theater” and “they would so die in my theater” so true. I was very vanillaed out.

It was Tax Free Weekend and I decided to go to this clothing store to by some shirts. They had shirts for ½ off and tax free. So I went looking through the cool stuff for my stuff and found a shirt that said, “Sarcasm one service I offer.” I love that shirt. Bought it. There was one I bought for a friend that said, “Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.” So cool. I also got a shirt that said Dukes of Hazzards and I am wearing it right now. Also I saw a shirt that said, “This is the I don’t give a crap shirt.” I loved that one. I didn’t have the money for it but it was funny. Next time I guess.

I did have to make a stop at Wal-Mart because I wanted to look at their CDs. I did happen to by a CD by Joe Nickels but only because it was 9 dollars. Then I did a nice search through shirts and I bought several which includes one that states “Slacker”. I am a shirtaholic and I need a 12 step program please help me. I bought 4 shirts at the other store and then 6 at the WallyMart so I need the help. Help me.

Dork Lesson #9 Caring which theater you are to go to is dorky. Having to go to Wal-Mart even though there isn’t enough time is dorky. Sitting in a movie and forgetting what the rating is, is dorky. Sitting in the theater and hating the people in it because they dissever to be hated is dorky. Thinking instead of saying what is on your mind for fear a mob will kill you and you would be a dead minority in a sea of white is dorky. Loving shirts that have funny sayings on them just because is dorky. Going to Wal-Mart and buying shirts close to midnight is dorky. Being a shirtaholic is dorky. But the to be a major dork you have to have invented the word shirtaholic.